This little peanut.  How she rocks my world.  In good ways, and in exhausting ways.

We stay close to home these days because Ellie is the fickelest of fickle eaters.  Which means I never know what's coming.  Never know if she'll nurse calmly or start screaming her head off.  Never know if it'll be a one stop deal, or if I'll need to pump, bottle feed, & then wash pump pieces to repeat 3 hours later.  My pump.  How I have a love-hate relationship with her.  She is amazing, but man would I like for my kid to just nurse & make my life simple.

I have read cover to cover every nursing book it seems.  Been to La Leche meetings (Oh Ellie, the THINGS I'm doing for you sweetheart), texted the crap out of my mommy friends, and have been in & out of doctors offices.  So far two doctors & the La Leche experts think she has reflux.  Ok.  Reflux.  Learn everything there is to learn about Reflux. Get her on her meds.  Take her off the meds.  Put her back on the meds.  Position her this way.  Prop her up that way. Give up dairy.  Give up caffeine.  Stay calm.  Go pump.  Drink water.  Wash spit up towels.  Get her weighed. Again.

So.  Home is like our little haven right now.  Taking Ellie out for extended periods of time where I'll have to feed her is just so not fun for me right now.  I sure have pumped on Lake Shore Drive while my husband was driving.  The adventures.  Oh the adventures.

I'm ok with being home though.  I like it here.  It's cozy & safe.  I'm thankful for this time here at home with just me & my girl as we muddle through this confusing time.  We'll figure it out I'm sure- and Ellie will be just fine & one day I'll not think so much about nursing.  I hope.

But in the meantime we'll turn the radiators on & snuggle on in.  I'll watch more tv than I probably should, and we'll dance to the new Taylor Swift album together in the office.  We'll be ok, this baby & me.  And when she's older this will all be a blur & I'll wonder how time goes by so fast.  I'm so tired and by her last feeding I can barely see straight- but I know, I just know, I will miss this season one day.    Because in the midst of all the screaming & the constant guessing of what to do next- there are the smiles.  The firsts.  The cuddles.  The kisses.

And I do not want the bad to steal the good.  I refuse to look forward to when this is no longer an issue- because all I have is right now.  And I am so, so thankful for right now.