The hardest part for me though is wondering if I'm doing anything I'm doing the right way.
I know this is a classic first time mom struggle. The incessant questioning of yourself. I don't like the feelings of insecurity & doubts though. I want to feel confident & sure! Crying? No problem! I have the answers!
Every mom I know wants to do the best thing for their baby & they go to bed at night & wake up in the morning thinking about that. Thinking about how to best love their child. So I know I'm not alone. And that's a good place to be- even if it's a hard place to be.
But what is the best thing for your baby? When there's philosophies on each aspect of parenting totally contradicting one another that question becomes incredibly overwhelming. And going through all of it- combing through the differences- is very tiring. You have this little person in front of you & you truly just want to do the right thing- but that right thing could be 3 different things.
It'll get easier. We'll continue on establishing a rhythm. The mother in me will grow & learn. My gut will tell me when something is off & I'll be able to trust myself a little more. But I'll never be perfect. And because of that- I am really thankful for my relationship with Christ. That I'm not left to lean on my own understanding. That my strength doesn't come from "within" but from above. That my identity isn't in being "the perfect mom," but that it's in being a redeemed child of God.
Eliana will always have me at my steepest learning curve. She will always be the first one I potty train, the first one I send to school, the first one I teach to drive. She'll have the lovely front row seat of all my insecurities. And I hope & pray that she sees me handle those insecurities with a confidence not in myself but in God. That at the end of the day- after I've read all the parenting books I can stomach & after I've asked as many questions as there are stars in the sky- that I can rest. Because I honestly believe that it's God who is control over her little life, not me.