Savoring Every Moment

I can't tell ya how much I wanted to be a mom.  I really can't.  The only two people who probably know how great that desire was are my husband & God.  And probably my mom too.  She always tells that story about how I was just a tiny girl & I would carry my baby dolls everywhere playing mommy.

I spent years thinking it would never happen.  I heard so many stories of infertility & always saw myself in those stories.  I just had this feeling that you get when you want something really, really, really bad.  That feeling of fear.  Then when I did get pregnant the first time (completely unexpectedly) & lost that baby I was a little bit more than traumatized.  Beyond heartbroken.

Then I got pregnant with Eliana & even though I was nervous to be excited from past experiences- I just knew in my heart of hearts that I was going to meet her.   And instead of naming her Emma (my favorite girl name) I named her a Hebrew name that most people mispronounce & that my husband thought sounded spanish- and hello- we are not spanish.  I named her, "My God has answered,"  because I couldn't believe how many prayers I had uttered to God on her behalf.  I wanted to be reminded every single time I said her name that He had answered a desperate woman's cry.  

I tend to focus greatly on the unanswered prayers in my life.  I'm pessimistic & see catastrophes in everything.  I worry a lot.  I struggle with fear & anxiety.  And with trust.  I don't like trusting people.  And most of all- I don't like trusting God when I know that He's brought me through really hurtful things before.  Flaws.  Big flaws of mine.

But today I was running errands with Eliana, picking up groceries for our little family, doing the dishes, taking care of the laundry & loving on the two people God has so dearly placed in my life & I had to pause on the steps because the reality that I am a mom hit me so hard.  And I was filled with so much gratitude for the mundane.  So much joy. Because the mundaneness of being a wife, and a stay at home mom shines really magically to me still.  You know how sometimes you want something really bad & then you get it & it's not that great?  That is not the case with becoming Eliana's mom & Taylor's wife.

And I know one day I'll dread loading up my kids to go to Costco- but right now?
Right now it's pretty freaking great.    

So I'm going to continue to savor changing diapers,
and wearing yoga pants,
and drinking my morning cup of coffee with my husband.

I'm going to give thanks for soft pink blankies,
and dancing in the office.

I'm going to rejoice over it all.
The first giggles,
and the sleepless nights.

I'm thankful that God brought us on a long road to becoming parents.  It's given me a huge appreciation for the ridiculously silly things like brining my daughter with me to Costco.