6 Months

Today is Eliana's 6 month birthday!  Such a happy day in our family!!!!  

I really cannot believe she is that old!  I feel like I went to sleep after having her, and then I woke up and here we are.  Everyone says it goes by in the blink of an eye, but witnessing it firsthand is crazy.

Eliana is truly such a joyful little baby.  More smiles than frowns, more giggles than cries.  I'm so thankful for this.  When she was in my tummy I prayed for a lot of things- but one specific thing was that she would smile a lot. That she would indeed be joyful.  And everyday I spend with her she teaches me a little bit about having a joyful spirit.  

I'm incredibly humbled by each milestone she hits.  Humbled and broken (in a good way) when the doctor smiles and says "She looks great guys- growing perfectly."  I know this is not the case for all babies, and I know that it is so out of my hands whether or not she grows and hits these milestones.  I can follow all the rules, and it could still not be enough.  Her life is so utterly in God's hands.

And I'm so glad for that.  My favorite C.S. Lewis quote comes from his Narnia series.  Little Lucy is learning about the great Aslan and she wonders if he is safe.  

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you?  Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe.  But he's good.  He's the King, I tell you." 

Eliana being in God's hands does not mean that sickness or suffering will never touch her.  But He's the King of the Universe.  And He's good.  I'm glad to put her there- in His hands- exactly where she came from in the first place.

But I struggle.

It's so incredibly hard for my mama heart to let her go.  I can only do or control so much.

A deep part of me wants to know that she will never know pain.  That she'll never suffer.  That she will die at a ripe old age of 97.  Warm in her bed.  A lifetime of joy & happiness behind her.  A future of heaven & eternal bliss before her.

I want that in writing.

But life is so funny.  So devastating.  So beautiful.

She will know pain.  I cannot stop it from coming.  A bruise on her head, a peer's unloving gossip, a boy's foolishness.  Maybe much worse things than these.  I have no guarantees over her life.  I don't know if she'll trust Christ one day to be her Savior.  I don't know what even tomorrow brings for her life.

The strange thing is- I think pain is so necessary to living.  Sadly.  The whole- how can you know love if you've never known pain.  It can seem trite & even rude to say- but from my own experiences I can say yes, that's so true. Pain is a teacher.  It's a humbling agent.  It's what brings us to our realization that we need a Savior.  So how could I want to shelter her the way I want to?

It's messy and complicated.  The answers more gray than black & white.  This pain & God business.  But it's been a big part of how I've become a mother, and how I respond and act towards my child.

Parenhood is incredibly amazing, and also terrifying.  I love when people describe it as "choosing to have your heart live outside of your body."  True.  In every way.

God is so faithful to bring me to my knees.  To bring me to His word.  I truly find so much comfort there.  It's when I'm neglecting my relationship with Him that I feel myself spiraling into the abyss of worrying.

I feel a huge relief to have made it to 6 months with our girl, and yet a part of me knows I cannot live the rest of my life with her the way that I've lived these last 6 months.  There's been so much worrying. So much anxiety.  So much fear.

Something I've come to realize in those moments where I'm worrying is that I want Eliana to have a mama that trusts God.  Because deep down, I know with all my heart that trusting God will be better for her- than me hovering & worrying over her life.  Trusting God will be better for her than her never getting the flu, or getting hurt.  Because blessed is the man whose trust is in the Lord.  The blessed life is the life of trusting God.  Not having everything be perfect.

I'm so looking forward to growing in God's grace.  To learning more about trusting Him.  To learning more about how wrongly I think of Him.  I'm so thankful He doesn't require perfection.  Only Christ can achieve that- and it's on Him I place my every trust.

Motherhood is sanctifying in so many ways.    

Eliana wasn't the smiliest girl today after her 6 month shots- but I do promise- she's a real smiley one.  :)
And her mama forgot to photoshop the sweet potatoes off of her white shirt.
Awesome.  :)