So much stuff going on in my little corner of the world.
In the corners of my heart.
There was a long time recently that I was pretty sad.
Sad in a deep way.
A way I didn't understand.
That made me feel crazy.
And not myself.
A way that makes you feel like you are in the middle of an ocean
Everyone else is on the shore laughing,
and you are in the ocean
But everyone else keeps partying.
It felt like that for a very long time.
And during that time everything around me changed.
Girlfriends have always been a center part of my life since I can remember anything.
Moira & Shannon were my closest BFF's starting when I was 5 years old & we were inseparable.
I've always been a big girls girl.
I love afternoons with girlfriends.
Laying on each other's beds- talking about boys- dates.
Watching movie dates.
Anything that you imagine a girls afternoon or trip looking like- I adore.
Screaming in your car to your favorite lyrics with the windows rolled down with your best friend?
That is bread & butter to me.
Girls are complicated creatures though.
And I've known that for 27 years, being one myself.
I have so much still to learn about them.
What makes them better.
How to communicate without between the lines.
Without insecurities or bad assumptions creeping in.
My girlfriends are like gold to me and during the year and a half where I was drowning they stuck by me even though I couldn't stick by them.
Because when you are drowning you cannot help someone else out.
It becomes all about you.
About your lack of air.
Your need for rescue.
Since February I've been working on entering back into those relationships with some air.
I no longer feel as if I'm drowning, by God's grace.
I can breathe.
And it has been so good to see them. To hear them. To be with them. Life is so sad in isolation. I think it's incredible that God created us as relational beings. That we thrive together- not apart. But because of our sin we struggle with the togetherness. We bicker & fight. We become jealous & we don't know how to weep & rejoice with one another well. We jump to conclusions & assume the worst.
I think about girlfriends & relationships with them now in a different light too because of Ellie. I wonder who her closest friends will be. And I pray they are girls that are kind. That are not bullies. That do not pressure her into being a certain way. That are her confidants. That they are girls who do not gossip. That feel welcome and loved in our home, always, no matter what. I pray she will be loving towards them. Showing up for them. That she will be gentle & a good listener. That she will bring joy to them. That they will love one another because they know the love of Jesus.
It's funny how you want your child to be everything you haven't been or struggle to be. You don't want them to face the consequences you've faced. Repeat the falls you've had. Break the same way you have. I so deeply want to model for her what a good friend looks like. I want her to watch godly communication. What it looks like to not be insecure but to accept what people say at face value. I want her to see love in tangible ways between sisters in Christ.
I want her to see that because I think that is what brings God glory in our friendships. Not the jealousy. Or the competing & comparing. I want her to see love, not judgment. Kindness not brattiness. I want her to see that I do not gossip about others. That I am safe for people.
I have such a far ways to go.
Sometimes it can be very discouraging.
I'm glad God can do it though.
Not in my own strength.
Seeing this picture of Ellie & I reminded me of the drowning. And of the breathing. Of the deep part of me that is committed to my relationships with my friends. And of her future as a friend.
I have friends that are rejoicing. Friends that are grieving. Friends that are living. Friends that are drowning. And I pray daily for God to give me the wisdom to minister & love each one the way they have so selflessly loved me.
Life is so short. I know this. I want to live it well. Live it for God. Live it simply. Live it loving others & pouring myself out for them- not me. Life is not about me. That is the lie I have to battle every minute of every day.