Growing Up

This little one is having a birthday party this week.

It's such a cliche but it's really truly moving so fast.

I feel like I blinked and all of a sudden we're here.

To be honest it's a little much for me.

I so adore her new milestones.  I really have loved every single season with her.  But they are moving lightening fast.  I try really hard to soak in each one and embrace each new change but I guess there's a part of me that's just simply sad today.

And a big part of me feels guilty for being sad.

I have a healthy baby.  She is growing & learning new things every day.  How could I possibly have any sadness over it?

It feels wrong & selfish & stupid to be sad.

I am currently praying for two precious babies who are fighting for their lives in the hospital.  And I'm sad about throwing my kid a birthday party.

It's offensive even to myself when I think about it.

But it's there, even when I don't want it to be.
Even when I don't think it should be.

The good thing is- I serve a God who is big enough to handle all my emotions.  He doesn't simply bend His ear to my prayers or my cries when I'm sad about legitimate things.  But He's there for the complicated & strange emotions that come with being Ellie's mom.  The ones I don't understand myself.

I really do think it's ok to mourn & celebrate their changes as moms.
We know that each new thing they learn is one less thing they need from us.
And that's good and sad.

I guess too I just have no idea what the future holds.
I hear a lot of people saying things like they weren't sad about their first growing up because they knew they'd have more kids.
I just don't think like that.
I don't operate under those assumptions for anything in life.

So Ellie is my baby now & she's all I really think about.
And she is almost one.
I'm a little sad.

But I'm excited to party too.
To celebrate this precious little gift of mine.
It's gonna be fun.
Lots of pink & lots of joy.

Up & down & all around.
That's where my heart is at this week.