I'm not 22 today.
That is very close to 30.
Which is practically 40.
So I might as well be 50.
So as I sit here, in my ripe old age of 50/28 I feel more content than I think I've ever been.
And I'm not talking happy.
I'm talking content.
Content to be exactly where God has me.
That is major grace on God's part, because I struggle a lot with this. This contentment gig. I'm always looking at someone else's green grass. But lately- not so much. Maybe I am just too tired these days. Or maybe God is making good on His promise to sanctify me. I'm gonna go with it's probably a mixture of both.
The last few weeks have been such a strange concoction of melancholy & delight. At any given time I am experiencing one emotion, the other one is bubbling up right underneath.
I don't know if that has to do with moving, or the new (& last) semester of T's seminary career starting. I don't know if it's because it's been awhile since we've seen our families. Or what.
But the strangest part has been being ok with it.
It's really ok to not be happy all the time.
Because happiness I'm finding is very fleeting.
Happiness is not contentment.
It's just happiness.
Groundbreaking I know.
It's a wonderful thing that God gives us. But it's not the only thing- and I'm tired of trying to live a life where I guard this notion of being "happy." Of being comfortable.
It's not my primary concern.
My primary concern these days is contentment.
Contentment in God.
In His timing.
I am content. HE is my joy. I will learn this lesson continually, often, and always. But today I am thankful for the way in which it settles in my bones more naturally than before.
I am content because He is my constant. Not my circumstances. Those keep changing up on me so I've learned to just try to go with them. I am never going to have it all together or all figured out. Ever. It is so liberating letting go of the quest for perfection! That doesn't mean I don't strive to be better. But the motives are so different.
Contrary to the world's opinion on aging- I am loving the process. Despite the saggy boobs & wrinkly skin & muffin top I have going on. I love getting older. I feel like I can finally see more clearly.
What up 2888888.
Being content doesn't mean an unwillingness to change though either. And it doesn't mean I'm pleased with the hard & icky things in our lives. Those are very real to me & very sad to me. Contentment means that God is so much greater than it though.
I feel more refreshed & inspired to make this next year even more fruitful- for God's glory. Not mine. To look at Him even more this year & stop looking at the things of this world. To make drastic changes to serve my family & the church.
Life is not perfect. Life is sad. It's hard. It's beautiful. It's very messy.
But I am content.
God is big & He is real & He is Lord over everything. He is making all things new- including my very wicked & dull heart that is constantly needing to be lifted up.
I love Jesus more today than yesterday & am in awe that He forgives sinners & makes them sons & daughters.